I look back at where I was a year ago. Nine months pregnant, everyday complaining about the heat, my back, my hips, the heat, my bed, the heat... And then I flash forward one year, where now I wish I could go back to that time again. I wish I would have enjoyed it more. I wish that I would have truly appreciated the close connection I had to my baby. I wish I would have known then that I was never going to have that connection again.
But I am lucky, I know this. I got to experience it once, and that is a true blessing. Emme is the greatest thing that has ever happened to us. And I know that our next children will be amazing as well.
But sometimes I get angry. Angry because we had it so easy, just having to get pregnant and give birth to Emme, that's it, pretty simple. But me being me, I of course made it WAY more difficult, screwed it up & now we have to go a different route. One that is not as straight and narrow. Now we have to go through a lot of paperwork, background checks, paperwork, anxious waiting & worrying, some more paperwork, nosy people asking inappropriate questions (and oh yeah, did I mention the paperwork) just to have another child.
I know that it will be SO worth it in the end, and I am so proud of our little family growing in such a beautifully unexpected way. But I just think that now one year later, we are expecting again. I am just as excited as I was then. I am so excited to see our next baby, to feel their tiny little fingers & count their little toes. I can't imagine what they will look like & I can't wait for that moment they are in my arms for the first time. But this time, I don't have the excited "when are you due" or have an excuse to get to bed at 7 pm. I don't have very many women to talk to about my experience, because not many women know what I am going through (I am so thankful for those women I do have the privilege of talking to about adoption). It is hard to happily announce "We are adopting from Ethiopia" and then get asked "why aren't you adopting from the US, why do you have to go to Africa", which makes me want to scream! Or the sympathetic head nod, shoulder pat "well, good for you" makes me feel like I was just awarded the participation ribbon in a school race (this feeling I am very familiar with). We don't get the excitement right away, we get "why are you starting so soon, shouldn't you concentrate on Emme" or "haven't you looked into surrogacy". Why do people feel the need to question our decision? If we announced we were pregnant, I can't imagine anyone asking "have you looked into terminating the pregnancy?" That is what it feels like they are saying when they try to change our mind. I am expecting again, in a slightly different way, but the outcome is the same: a new child is joining our family.
Sorry to be going off, but this week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I do have a wonderfully supportive husband that helps me through. He surprised me with this wonderful gift for our anniversary:
This is the sign that tells the world that we are expecting, it's my "belly" so to speak! So, one year later I have my belly again. This time, it hopefully won't affect my back (but I still may need back rubs daily, just in case), and the weight gain will not be as bad!
Just think, one year ago I couldn't imagine what my little girl was going to look like and now I can't imagine life without this little face:
It just makes me wonder what my next baby is going to look like...
Sorry to have gone off on a tangent! It's just been a tiny bit emotional in our household as the first birthday draws near. I don't like to regret anything, but sometimes I wish I could have enjoyed my pregnancy more. That may have been hard to do in between all the vomiting & heartburn, but I should have given it a shot, right? Anywho, I will leave you all now with a promise that the next blog post will be a little more positive!